According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
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“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.