[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
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Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.