INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
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every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Sharon I have some bad news
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Me too, bag. Me too….
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.