Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
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*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
58.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
any last words?
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.