Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
You Might Also Like
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*