Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
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Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
relationship goals
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right