Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
You Might Also Like
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
moms in horror movies
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…