interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
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*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too