@thejessbess: (interviewer): do you have any questions? (me): ya can a werewolf bite really kill a vampire?
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@KelleysBreakRm: When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I've entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
@ticknada: Everyone is an atheist until you zip your fly up too quick Then its all Lord Jesus please help
@TheBoghdady: "When a girl says 'Awww Thanks!', it means she's politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from."
@withanewname: *installs google translate* *looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal* *finds half my tweets doing better than mine*