Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
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When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
wow
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
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