Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
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ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend