INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
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All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
I camp so other people don’t have to.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…