what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
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“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
🚲+physics = winner
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.