Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
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12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.