Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
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judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.