Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
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“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
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If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Sorry I made promises on Friday
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Tier 3 meme
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in