Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
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Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Don’t we all.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM