Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
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So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
Breaking news:
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin