interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
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I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
*pronounces patio like ratio
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
A French press is when you hug naked