Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
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me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
#Caturday
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Breaking news:
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”