meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
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I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Put the is in disheveled
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
I’m tired tomorrow.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.