INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
You Might Also Like
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room