Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
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All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.