Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
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“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
oh no, steve’s working tonight
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately