Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
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My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?