*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
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They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
When I pack too much for a short trip.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?