interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
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Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays