Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
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I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money