INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
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[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
But is it really??
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.