Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
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You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Good morning y’all ☀️
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?