INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
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Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
oh my gosh!!
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*