A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
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“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
#titanic
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Happy Star Wars day!
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.