INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
You Might Also Like
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles