INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
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If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
the rocks need my help
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver