INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
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Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels