Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
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How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
me after eating Cheetos
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!