INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
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Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar