interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
You Might Also Like
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
A leaf blower, but for people.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy