I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
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people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?