Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
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Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁