INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
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Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Good advice.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
What a kind woman! 😂😂
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop