INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
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[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.