Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
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How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
time for some seasonal decor
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.