Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
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Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”