Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
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I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
I’m not proud
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning