Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
You Might Also Like
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
IT’S-A ME,
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.