INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
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Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Spring of Deception
This is my bus stop.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Match dot com, but for socks.