Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
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My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
So creative 😂
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
I only treason on days ending in y
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
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My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.