Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
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Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour