Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
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Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
There is no “we” in chocolate.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby