If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
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hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Lmaoo 😂
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor