Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
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I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
favorite tropes as memes
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.